mockery

being in the midst of all.

it's been awhile here.
i've been avoiding feelings.

it hurts so bad this time.
i try so hard to swallow it, 
but it keeps popping out.

i know that i'm not your favourite,
but could you at least be civil towards me,
why do you say i'm irresponsible?
i work so hard to pay for what i think you should be paying for,
i never ask for anything,
only the occasional what i owe u and u owe me.

i know i shouldn't count,
but, as it is,
i am already struggling enough.
i don't even get to enjoy my hard earned money.

is it so hard to see me happy?
is it bad for me to smile? 
do i really look that ugly when i smile or laugh
that you have to come and rain on my parade
and stop me from smiling or laughing

you never offer me a ride,
i have to ask you,
even though you know my routine.
yes, it is my fault,
my attitude sucks in the morning,
but, i try hard to not suck in the morning,
everytime i do succeed,
without fail, you shoot me down.
i swallow. hard.
many a times,
i succeed, but,
unfortunately,
this time,
i failed.
i yelled.

now, we don't talk.
are you happy now? 

why is it that,
whatever i say,
i have to repeat myself,
day after day.
am i really that forgettable?
are we really blood related? 

you treat me as if
i am nobody.

i admit.
i am jealous.
of the way you treat 'em.

i am the black sheep.

i am void of emotion.
because i'm too tired to feel this way.

you say i don't take any responsibility 
in the family.
what do you mean?
well, maybe i don't do chores that often,
but on off days, i definitely do 'em.
i take care of my own things.
you hate it when ppl touch your things.
what else.
money?
if i have, i give.
it's not enough?
i'm not rich.
my parents stole from me.
remember that story?
the one where my education fund
was used for something i'm not aware off?
or was it non existent right from the start.
what else?
oh, me waking up late.
well sorry to be a dissapointment,
i thought you could help me out in this aspect,
but i guess not.

you say you don't like the way my life turned out?
that, it's the way i set it to turn out.
hello?!!!
what f*** happened to my edu fund?
how the hell am i supposed to go anywhere with no money?
i'm sorry you gave birth to a very inadequate, insolent, unimpressive, dimwit child.
i made my plans.
but you shot everyone of it down
and imposed your views and plans on me,
even though,
time and again,
i explained,
i'm not able to accomplish it well.
then you asked me to quit,
well, i thought that was acceptable,
till i foresaw,
you'd be asking me to slave for you
and seeing that i was already halfway thru it,
i decided to stay.
i really considered to stop that time,
but when i asked you of you could support me
with my music,
i got a look that i can't quite put a finger on,
and just decided not to be a burden.

but i guess i still am,
aren't i?

i seem to be a disappointment right from the start.

whatever i choose
seems to be a mockery to you.

even the way i look seems to disgust you.

f***
i thought i grew out of this.

childish!

a slap to the face

it's been awhile.

since i've logged on to xanga.
well hello there mateyssss.
been on tumblr a lot.
sorry, i didn't mean to betray thee.

since i've gone running, or walking.
i need to get fit for an upcoming competition in june.
need to find a dress to wear.
need to look and feel confident.

since i've felt this broken inside.
i thought that once i'm 20, i'm gonna be this uber confident person.
always in control. always with her head held high.
looks like i was wrong.
i'm such a loser.

since i've cried. 

i really need to think about my conduct.
it's my fault. i care too much.
when i get close to anyone, i get too attached.
i try to help wherever i can,
blind towards all the backstabbing,
innocently being used to my core,
quietly swallowing whatever pride that's left of me.
give my utmost,
accept whatever minute offerings they throw at me.

this genuine-ness in me
is getting me nowhere.

i gotta go lick my wounds now. 

signed:
the overbearing friend.
yes, i think i suffocate ppl with my being overly nice.

my stupidity astounds me sometimes. 

of great truths and greater perceptions.

following post is in malay. :)
found it on facebook, thought it was 100% true! xD 

Symptom symptom student bila time time nak exam

1. Membaca tanpa menghiraukan sekeliling. Yang kepoh jadi pendiam. (orang masuk keluar bilik pun tak perasan, kalau orang tanya pun muka pandang nota je, jawab pon nak tak nak. Kalau jalan.jalan tersepak batu tu, reaksi dia lambat sikit. Sebab otak full load )
2. Membaca dengan kadar yang cepat. (entah faham ke tak belakang kira, sebab nak jawab subjektif, hentam pon boleh, yang penting ada point nak goreng )
3. Nak turun café tu fikir 2,3 kali. Tak pun sekali sehari je. Tu pun bungkus.cepat. jimat masa makan kat bilik. Sambil makan boleh membaca apa yg patut.
4. Time nak exam baru laaa nak full semayang. Solat sunat sampai nak batal air sembahyang. Doa macam.macam. (dan.dan. tapi alhamdulillah)
5. Agak yang nak mereng tu start la nak bukak mp3 volume paling sakit telinga. Tapi time ni memang tak sakit telinga. Sebab sakit otak lebih dari sakit telinga.
6. Masa tidur pon boleh terbayang-bayang yang baca tadi(ada tu siap ambik handout letak tepi bantal. Moga-moga dapat buat daya serapan terus lagi bagus.
7. Masa borak dengan kawan pun cakap pasal pelajaran je. (ni part tak leh blah la. Time mandi  pun ada yang tanya-tanya. Dahsyat.)
8. Kalau main message tu balas sikit.sikit je. Pendek pendek. Tak de mase nak fikir taip panjang.panjang.
9. Sebab nak exam duduk dalam bilik je. Mengadap handout, buku, nota.nota. (jadi beruang kutub, sampai rambut serabai pon tak perasan) selalunye merayau g bilik orang. Tak pun kluar. G main bowling lah. Tgk wayang lah. Pantang ade mase terluang.
10. Nak buang sampah pun terbawak pen. (ni kes cuak sangat ni)
11. Agak2 stok megi tu habis kot untuk orang yang gila study. Jimat masa nak turun café masak air je pastu letak megi. Nak budak pandai sikit tak makan megi. Minum milo. Makan biskut hup seng ke, nestum ke. Roti memang dah prepare dah. Suruh mmber beli.
12. Nak bukak facebook rasa tak senang gila. Perghh. Membazir.masa. (time ni memang tertekan gila. Kena berperang dengan diri sendiri nak bukak facebook, formspring,blog . Sebab laptop depan mata. Kabel/wifi kat sebelah je. Exam minggu depan. Nanti duduk depan facebook memang buku OFF9 terus.)
13. Time ni ah baru bukak buku tebal. Bukak kamus tu yang tak tahan tu. Masa lecture dulu tak faham tak de hati pulak nak bukak kamus kan. ;P
14. Asyik-asyik tengok jam je. Sampai tak cukup jam handphone, jam tangan. Tanya lagi mmber sebelah. Haihhh. Keliru sangat budak nih.
15. Stok Nescafe, kopi tongkat ali, kopi mak dara, cucu dara semua memang ade lah. Nak stay up.
16. Hah. Ni memang sure. Meja studi bersepah gila. Mana dengan highlighternya. Pen biru, hitam , merah. Kertas-kertas memang confirm bersepah punya. Agak2 ade nota yang hilang tu mula nak naik angin. Buku semua terbukak. Kalau ada buku tambahan dari library tu semua nak dibukaknya serentak. Ada tu 4,5 buku serentak bukak.
17. Masa ni lah status facebook, blog “mintak maaf. Doakan exam nanti”
18. Muka blurr je. Sebab otak dah full tank. Makan sorang-sorang pon dah tak heran. Sebab tak nak membazir mase lepak ramai-ramai. Nanti ade je bende nk borak.
19. Kalau nak cakap pon tersasul-sasul. Salah cakap. Pastu cakap benda merepek je. Muka dah la cam zombie. Cakap merepek.repek sebab otak fikit handout, nota tak baca lagi vs nak jalan-jalan. Nak borak.borak. sampai satu tahap rasa nak rebus buku dengan handout semua. lagi merepek die cakap sebenarnye, lagi banyak topic die tak cover tu.
20. Time ni jugak lah baru terfikir kenapa lah aku tak study awal2. Kan senang. Haihh. Pastu ada pulak yang buat azam untuk semester depan. Tak nak buat dah macam sem sekarang. *padahal tiap2 sem azam sama. Tak berubah gak. Tak pun menjadi semangat dia masa awal sem je. Sampai minggu ketiga dah hancusss.

p/s; aku rasa even budak pandai yang dah score markah carry marks pon study menggelabah jugak. Cuma diorang steady lagi la dari student yang study last minit. Muehehe. Konklusinya, jangan usik budak nak exam. Cepat je die nak naik darah. Sebab hormone dia semua tengah berlaga-laga. Otak pun dah overload. 

i totally agree with this post. HA HA HA

of balloons and baboons.

hello.

been on hiatus forawhile now.

was working on a new post, but couldn't bring myself to post it, well for:- 
1) it's kinda not finished.
2) i am required to sit here for at least another 3hrs to finish it up.
3) it involves people around me. (don't worry, it's all positive.) 
4) it's a tear-jerker piece.

;P

suspense intended.

okay. STPM is in another 30days.
i'm freakishly calm about it. right now.
but, before i go to sleep every night, the jitters annoys me to the point of insomnia.

ps: i had a good time with you, i wish i didn't. i'm bad at backspacing unwanted good
memories. oxymoron dana! =.=!

sorry bout that.
anyway, i would like to wish
"ALL THE BEST"
to all STPM takers out there.
do it right the first time! 

random thought 1: i absolutely hate it when someone makes me feel guilty about a decision 
i made and am firm about. stop playing mind games on me. you're only embarrassing yourself.

random thought 2: thank you for all the support. 

random thought 3: i'm gonna do this. just watch me!

random thought 4,5 & 6:

pavilion was a really bright place.

it was so bright that people went loopy about it.

then my boss wanted in on the same "high" we were all in.
so we made him take pictures with us and the balloons. 

100 things you don't really need to know about me.

trRules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 100 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

(I'm too cool for this, so I posted it up on my blog. gahaha. oh, as you can see, my comments on the questions are bracketed. have fun reading or being bored to death.)

WHAT WAS YOUR:


1. Last beverage: Water. (i'm so healthy! gahahaha)

2. Last phone call: Tyson Ritter! (hmm, it;s been awhile since Bill Becket called me!)

3. Last text message: syaaaa... (oh wait. Bill Becket always fb message me. okayla, porgiben!)

4. Last song you listened to: dj got us falling in love; usher&pitbull (oh yeah. i'm so cool xD)



HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice: yes. Tyson Ritter. Bill Becket. (many times. yes, i needed to say their names to make myself seem cool)


7. Been cheated on: Yes. (now i peel sad. :( )

8. Kissed someone & regretted it: No. (imma good girl. date date can. kiss kiss cannot.)

9. Lost someone special: Yes. (i peel bery sad now.)

10. Been depressed: Yes (not really fun to re-live that memory.)

11. Been drunk and threw up: No. (say no to drinking excessively! and if i can't even have coke/pepsi/coffee, how do you think i'll fair with having a glass of anything with alcohol content being more than a piece of sand.)



LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:


12. White(idc if it isn't a colour persay!)

13. Blue

14. Green

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)

15. Made a new friend: Yes (all dana's new friends say i! *crickets creaking*)


16. Fallen out of love: In Out Up Down Left Right Yes. (no comment.)

17. Laughed until you cried: Yes. (especially in the funny car and pikachu car)

18. Met someone who changed you: Yes. (i don't know if it's for the better or worse, but lets hope it's the prior. :))

19. Found out who your true friends were: Yes (ily. you know who you are.)

20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes. (because imma famous person!)

21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: Yes.(BILL BECKET AND TYSON RITTER!)

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: All of them.(yes, kinda hard to believe i know over 500 people.)

23. How many kids do you want to have: I don't think i want kids. :/ (kids scare me. especially ones like me.)

24. Do you have any pets: Yes. (Lucky Patch)

25. Do you want to change your name: No. (i like my name, haven't found anyone with my name yet.)

26. What did you do for your last birthday?: I don't celebrate b;days. :)

27. What time did you wake up today: Late! (sicky dana)

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Sleeping(then someone woke me up at 4am in the morning. Bill Becket. don't la so horny morny.)

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: STPM (here i come!)


30. Last time you saw your Father: A couple of days ago.

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: My life? hmmmm. I don't know. I'm contented. But i think i should be more hardworking.

32. What are you listening to right now: Hot Mess; CobraStarShip

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes.( His name is Thom. call him Thomas. :P)


34. What's getting on your nerves right now: you. darn you!

35. Most visited webpage: Facebook.(and twitter and xanga)

36. What's your real name: Princess Diana Felicia Dementia De Rozario. But everyone calls me Dana. :P


37. Nicknames: Double D. Dude. Cute. Hot. Pretty. Smiley. Amore. Gundu. EhEh. Peach. banDana. banana.


38. Relationship Status: Single but Taken. (don't ask. i'm as confused as you)

39. Zodiac sign: Don't know. Don't care. (don't believe in this)

40. Male or female : Female(uh. obvious much!)

41. Elementary?: (you mean school right?) SKKJ2


42. Middle School?: (meh) SMKSP



43. High school/college?: SMKTS

44. Hair colour: Black (as original as it gonna get :) how asian right?)

45. Long or short: Long(it's like a mane. i could have sworn i saw a lion every morn i look in the mirror. )


46. Height: 154cm.(156cm on taller days ;P)

47. Do you have a crush on someone?: Unknowst to me. (you tell me.)

48: What do you like about yourself?: Everything ofcourse. and yes. i am narcissistic.(this is such a lame question. go listen to bruno mars; just the way you are, he's actually singin about me.)

49. Piercings: Ears. (Yes, i am human. so i limit my piercings to 2, one on each ear.)

50. Tattoos: No (I think there's a reason why God made us just the way we are.:))

51. Righty or lefty: Righty. (And therefore i am always right. No offense to the lefty's out there.)

51b. Innie or Outie: Whatdaheck does that mean? (you think u Katy Perry huh? the song goes you're in and you're out, not innie or outie. get with the program dude!)

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery: Probably Brain. (When I was young. I think i was dropped on the head so many times. That's why i turned out like this.poor mom and dad. had to work harder than ever to pay for the surgery.)


53. First piercing: Ears. (I was young. It was done against my own will. All i remembered was I was crying. and it was at little india in KL.)

54. First best friend: Mahesh. (I know this sounds corny, but it was always my brother and i. we did everything together when we were kids. we even fought together a lot. he pulled my hair a lot. i cried a lot. i fell a lot. he stab a pen to my head once. there was power rangers fights involved. there were lotsa hugs and kisses too. and baths. and the time he stood up for me. I know he's gonna deny this, but it's okay. I understand. )


55. First sport you joined: Dance.(i was dancing my way thru kindy school. imma dancer not a cheerleader!)


56. First vacation: Philippines.(sadly i can't remember it cause i was but a babe in a basket. xD)

58. First pair of trainers:( I think i was in Kindy, and it was close to sports day, so mama bought me a pair. :))

NOW

59. Eating: No. (it's friggin 12am, who would eat at this time. oh wait, i live in M'sia, ppl eat all the time. with the eateries being open 24/7)

60. Drinking: No. (i don't wanna pee in my bed.)

61. I'm about to: Sleep. (yes, it's a school day tomoro, i should be off to bed anytime soon. but this survey is calling my name!)

62. Listening: (How many times are you gonna ask me this question? If you want my playlist, just ask!) Broken Angel; Boyce Avenue

63. Waiting: For you to ask me a legitimate, sane question. (it's not gonna happen is it?)


YOUR FUTURE :


64. Want kids?: (The same question. really? ) NO. *maybe*(see! you're making me doubt myself!)

65. Get Married?: Yes. (Just need to get the guy right.)

66. Career?: Yes. (Music all the way. Lets hope it goes well.)


WHICH IS BETTER :


67. Lips or eyes: Both =.= (without the lips, u can;t speak, without the eyes you can't see. so i prefer both.)

68. Hugs or kisses: Both(the saying goes, xoxo not xxxx or oooo)

69. Shorter or taller: no comment. (are you dissing me? )

70. Older or Younger: (are you talking about what i prefer in a significant other? dude, say la. aiyo amma.) older. (i'm no cougar. well not right now. i hope in the future too. )

71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both. (Spontaneous IS ROMANTIC, you got your context wrong here!)

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Both (actually i'm not sure. probably nice to have it all, but nobody's perfect right.)

73. Sensitive or loud: Either/Both/Neither.(well. i'm loud. i'm sensitive. so, it doesn't matter)

74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship(who'd want a hook up? =.=! )

75. Trouble-maker or hesitant: Either/Both/Neither( being a troublemaker is fine, as long as he knows how to make it up to me! hesitant is fine, as long as he gets to the point eventually. i'm willing to wait. awww. how sweet right.)


HAVE YOU EVER:


76. Kissed a stranger: No. (eeyew! what if the stranger is actually a girl who's acting a guy. or if the guy has bad breath. okay no, i do not kiss at all!)

77. Drank hard liquor: Yes(me no likey the taste. blegh. so, it's finito. i;m no drinker!)

78. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes. (Tyson Ritter found it under her shoe. i mean his.)

79. Sex on first date : No! (abstinence man! yes. imma jobro fan. got a prob with that?;P okay seriously. no. to fornication. to adultery. immorality. period.)

80. Broken someone's heart: No.( Wait Maybe. IDK. How would i know if i broke someone's heart. Alll i know, my hearts been broken one too many times. it's like glass, you break it, you can fix it, with tape and glue,etc. but you will see cracks. and the second time round you can break it easily. so this time round, i use super glue, cement, and wall it up, so that, no one can take it away and break it unless i let them to. :) simple as that.)

82. Been arrested: No. (imma good girl. but i've been stopped by cops before.)

83. Turned someone down: Yes. (come on! if u have a face like that(think losah written on forehead) and a personality that is more minute than a cow, what do you expect? a omygosh. lets get married and bang! OFCOURSE NOT!)

84. Cried when someone died: Yes. (I might see you one day. I hope.)

85. Fallen for a friend?: Yes. (Idiots do all the time. Oh wait, lookie here, *looks in the mirror* an idiot!)



DO YOU BELIEVE IN:


86. Yourself: Yes. (who else is gonna believe in you other than your dog? all you have in this world, you and what you believe in(religion). you loose these things, you're a goner!)

87. Miracles: Yes. (How a baby is made. How a tree grows. How i seem to be growing side ways and not up ways.)

88. Love at first sight: No(i do believe in Lust at First Sight. meh. get your facts right man!)

89. Heaven: Yes.(And Paradise too! I hope I get there. To Paradise I mean. I want my zoo!)

90. Santa Claus: No.(I believe in guys having white colour beards, a white tuft of hair on their head and a huge huge beer belly. how does that sound?)

91. Kiss on the first date: No (It's a first. Not a last. Last would be on the aisle.because everyone knows what a kiss leads too. okay, if you're still lost. let me give you a hint. bang!)

92. Angels: : Yes. (they've been around. thank you.)


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:


94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: No(imma innocent flower. :))

95. Did you sing today?: Sing? (talk about minorities. only minorities sing. i Sing, Dance and even direct movies. EVERYDAY. now that's what i call LIFE. MY LIFE.)


96. Ever cheated on somebody?: No. (okay, in what sense? on a test? yes. i was but a child. other than that no.)

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: Nowhere. (I didn't have a much sought after child hood. It was fine. But there was also the bad bad days. So, i pick to stay where I am today. Right now. I mean yeah, you could say, it's just a visit. but for me it;s like after a really happy day, there's always the sad. No doubt these experiences has taught me to be the person i am today, so. i'd rather stay here and be the person that i am today. though i need to do a lil tweaking here and there.)


98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? : The time before Bill Becket left. (When I had you all to myself and i could pop by and say hello. and hang out for a lil bit.and call you and talk for hours eventhough we just saw each other at school and talked a lot. and all those random times we sat in class, singing, and laughing out loud. and ppl wondering what we're jabbering about. and all those "cool" moves we had. and all those times you were not yourself, and i, just sitting there waiting for you to feel better. and all those walks we had all over this place we call home. and when you started driving. driving my car. that was fun. and me driving. and me complaining to you about stuff. and you giving me words of wisdom. and us growing up together within that short 1 year. imysm. every time i step into class and look to my right. i remember you. and i smile. thank you for the memories. )
*when the lights go out, we'll be safe and sound. we'll take control of the world like it's all we have to hold on to, and we'll be a dream*


99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: Yes. (My heart, has been crushed by an evil monster. so, it will be kept for safekeeping in tyson ritter's and bill becket's safe.)

100. Posting this as 100 truths?: No. (I'm more original than that.)